My Very Last First Day of “Not Back to School”

Today is the 20th time that I’ve experienced the first official day of school in our province as a home-educating mum. It’s also the last! 

My oldest officially began homeschooling in September of 2003. My youngest will officially finish in June of 2023. Two others fill in the space in the middle. I say ‘officially’ because, of course, they were learning before they were school age and they will continue learning through life all the rest of their days.

For 19 years, I’ve looked out the window at parents and kids from Junior Kindergarten to Grade 12, walk, run, bike and drive by our house on the way to begin their new year at the local schools, knowing that we won’t be joining them. Instead we’ve continued our own journey with friends and acquaintances and, some days, just ourselves.

Both beautiful freedom and some anticipatory weariness lay ahead on this day each year. The freedom in our province to live and learn in the way and at the pace of each child, and in fact as a family, has not escaped me but I know I don’t fully grasp the gift that it has been and will be for one last year. 

I’m noticing this journey of 20 years is book-ended by similar circumstances. That first September in 2003 began at a time when my eldest (along with us as parents) was learning the best ways for his system to process sensory input and it was a blessing to be able to support him in a smaller, quieter environment. I looked forward to all the possibilities for the months that lay ahead. At that time everything felt vast and long-lasting, so many years stretched before us.

This year falls at a time when I am once again thankful for the flexibility for my youngest to go in the direction that’s best for her. As I did that first year, I head into a year in which, given some adjustments to health challenges the past couple of years, school would likely not have been possible. And yet it’s okay – having been able to learn in the way that works best for her and in which she can thrive, life and learning have not come to a stand still. We are both looking forward to the months to come. 

It’s pretty much always impossible to look ahead and predict how you might feel at a particular future point in your life, but I still have a tendency to try.

I feel different than I thought I would at this stage. 

I think I imagined it would seem more distinct, more defined, than it does. I thought I would feel finished, that there would be a sense of closure. Instead I feel excited about all that she will continue to learn and experience, not just over this year but far beyond. I feel that for everyone in my family, regardless of age. Whole life learning (AKA unschooling) has given me a whole new way to think about knowledge and skills. I no longer feel that I need to cram as much as possible of certain things into what I share with my kids. I’ve learned to be much more trusting not only of their process and interests, but also the richness of life.

I’d heard parents talking about how many children they’d graduated and now the term doesn’t sound like a fit for me at all. My kids have moved on to different stages of life, each in their own way, and I’ve definitely had an integral part in it, but they’ve each had their own ideas of what they’re interested in and how they wanted to move forward, so the idea of me  “graduating them” doesn’t really fit within our context of self-directed learning. 

On the other hand, I’d imagined (and I feel somewhat vulnerable saying this) that there would be some degree of recognition from somebody somewhere. That naysaying neighbours, acquaintances, friends and family would not only come around to validating and understanding home education, but would celebrate alongside me. Bricks and mortar school has its own built-in accolades for students and teachers in the form of graduation ceremonies, and other jobs that parents have include external recognition at times, retirement parties, etc. This role doesn’t really come with that. 

The lack of value now placed on caregiving, homemaking, traditional family work, in short, unpaid labour, makes itself clear to me. I also do paid work and I get a lot more questions about that, not because it’s necessarily more interesting,  but because I believe people value it more and it’s easier to talk about. More quantitive. And recognition isn’t even what I’m looking for much of – I’m more of a slip into the seat at the back of the room sort of person – but some small, probably young part of me pictured somebody saying, “Wow,  I guess this was actually a valid idea after all. You’ve worked really hard at this.” However, there’s now enough support and encouragement from homeschooling parents of all stripes that whatever understanding is lacking from outside the community is quite well made up within. So there’s that and for that I’m very thankful.

Homeschooling is a grassroots, largely internal process for me, unschooling even more so. Other well-meaning people awkwardly ask what things look like in the high school years and smile politely, often relieved when I redirect the conversation to the more concrete, school-related things their children are doing. And actually it makes sense. After all, don’t we spend a lot of time over the years  saying that the way our families do things is quite different, more flexible, not always tied to an age or grade? Why would they know what to ask? Or how to respond? If I’m looking for validation and understanding, it seems best to celebrate and find it within the home ed community.

Finally, many moons ago I might have laughed with other parents about making it through this many years and looked forward to celebrating at the end of the road. The whole thing has a different vibe for me now. While I might celebrate come June, I hope it will be from the joy and memories of spending these formative years with four wonderful people and the blessing of so many shared experiences. Those shared experiences were not only with the kids but with all the places, things and people I’ve been introduced to in the process. I am a substantially different person than I would have been without this role. I know many people can identify with that. 🙂

So as the hustle and bustle gets into full swing outside my house today, I look forward to doing our own thing once again (!) and take a breath of relief and certainty that it’s still the right choice for us. And I wonder if next year at this time I’ll even be feeling much different – maybe or maybe not.